Johnny Wolverine reveals secret plan for UM football team to go undefeated rest of 2020 season!
My source over at Schembechler Hall called this morning to tell me he had a real scoop for me.
Johnny Wolverine reported that he was pretending to sweep floors outside the room where the school's favorite son, Jim Harbaugh, was preparing for his weekly press conference with media members.
That's when he says he got the big scoop.
Forget eavesdropping accusations. "I was right there in the hallway, in plain sight and the door was open," says Johnny Wolverine. "The big shots from the UM Board of Regents were worried about money. Losing costs the whole program lots of money, they told Coach Harbaugh. They started talking about how Ohio State might hang 100 on this lousy team of his. They told him he can't do any more losing or he can pack his bags."
I explained to Johnny Wolverine how that wasn't big news. Everybody knows UM's millionaire football coach is on the hot seat. All this wasn't any big scoop.
Many fans forget all about his days roaming along the sidelines while his dad coached alongside the legendary Bo Schembechler. They've forgotten all about all those great moments Harbaugh had as UM's quarterback. Forgotten, too, was how happy they were when he came home to coach their Wolverines — leaving the ranks of the NFL where he had won three straight division titles and taken the San Francisco to a Super Bowl.
Then Johnny Wolverine revealed the secret plan he overheard. "Coach Harbaugh had a great plan," he reports. "He says, listen guys, I've got this. We're going undefeated the rest of the way. I dropped my broom right about then, but the big shots were laughing so hard that they didn't even notice me. I kept right on listening."
I nearly hung up on Johnny Wolverine at this point.
"Listen Johnnny," I cautioned. "This is garbage news. I'm with the Regents who worry Ohio State could hang 100 on Harbaugh's boys. It has been rough. A 2-4 record so far? Now, he has a plan to beat Ohio State? It's not happening pal. Keep that broom for your buddy Jim. He may need a job sweeping floors at Schembechler Hall when this terrible season ends. He's 0-5 against Ohio State with good teams. This is a bad team. A terrible team. They needed overtime to beat Rutgers!"
That's when Johnny Wolverine laid it on me.
"He didn't say anything about winning, just that he had a plan not to lose any more games this year," Johnny Wolverine revealed. "He then started replaying his post-game speech after the loss to winless Penn State. The big shot Regents were impressed. They were all nodding and calling him brilliant."
I interrupted again, insisting that not even a Knute Rockne speech could save this band of woeful Wolverines from losing to the hated Buckeyes.
"Not gonna happen," snaps Johnny Wolverine. "First thing Coach told his guys to do after Saturday's game was to forget all about losing to a team that had not won a single game all year. He told his players to go find a party with lots of people. No masks. No social distancing. Find any girls coughing and try to kiss them. At least get up close and let them breathe on you. Catch coronavirus boys! It's our only way not to lose to Ohio State. Then they all got in a big circle around their leader, jumping up and down, yelling it."
"Catch coronavirus boys! Catch coronavirus boys!"
Coach Harbaugh indeed told the media minutes later that everybody was being tested and how he expected some positive results.
He was so sure about it that practice was cancelled on Monday.
"So the big scoop," says Johnny Wolverine, "is that Ohio State is not getting a chance to hang 100 point on us because our season is over. Some of the boys are catching coronavirus, so that's it. Presto. Season over. No loss to Ohio State this year."
I wasn't convinced though. I've seen my Wolverines play every down this fall on TV. They haven't been catching anything this season.
Mike Killbreath hosts The Morning Gazette Radio Show weekdays from 7:30 am until 9 am and he hosts a statewide syndicated TV show known as The Michigan Crusaders. He also hosts The Daily Gazette Sports Weekend Show every Saturday from 9 am until 11 am and The Daily Gazette Sports Night Show weekdays from 6-7 pm.
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Dec. 1, 2020
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Mike Killbreath is a veteran newspaper man who began hosting a radio show in 2011. He currently serves as Executive Editor at The Daily Gazette while hosting "The Morning Gazette Radio Show" on the local radio air waves live every weekday morning from 7:30 am until 9 am. He will be seen soon on his new syndicated statewide TV show on CW 50 TV that will also be available to more than 4 million TV screens in more than 1.2 million homes across Michigan via Comcast Xfinity and available to all 10 million Michigan residents via the CCN digital signal on Smart TV's, home computers, office PC's, laptops, tablets, smart phones and various other mobile devices. "The Michigan Crusaders" will air at different times in various markets. Mike's background includes winning awards at the state and national levels for investigative reporting, local columns, feature writing, sports writing and sports columns. He has also served as President at the Flint Area Chamber of Commerce since 2011 and has served on its Executive Board since mid-2010. He counts many decades of service to other local Chamber of Commerce organizations and civic groups around his hometown Genesee County area.